Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My circle of trust is a meatball
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*