I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
You Might Also Like
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
some Old Testament wisdom
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
The devil.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat