My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”