venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
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Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
it must be school picture day
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.