Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
You Might Also Like
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
i made a craigslist ad !
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy