Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
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ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Europe. Made in Germany.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*