I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
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Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Wednesday
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up