Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
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It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I’m putting together a team
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*cough*
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go