If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.