My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
peeping toms
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.