The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
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Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Actually cracking up @ this
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]