My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink