Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I saw nothing
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”