Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year