I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
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I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.