1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
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[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.