Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
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My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Still cracks me up
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit