People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.