Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.