Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
You Might Also Like
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.