God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
You Might Also Like
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted