I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not