8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
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Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”