Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen