Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
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Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster: