Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
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My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Love this guy
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…