Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
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Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
english majors be like furthermore
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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when you order from DoorDastardly
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them