Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.