I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing