Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
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9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz