Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
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me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
you will never know the true number of layers
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My dating profile:
This hospital has everything
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..