My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.