FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English