My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
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Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it