Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room