I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
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Good advice.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*