[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”