“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
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I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.