You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
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Check out the legs on this baby
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it