I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
You Might Also Like
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.