that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Finally!
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.