Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
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Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Can Happiness buy money?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
The Punning Dead.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..