(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
You Might Also Like
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
i love modern commerce
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start