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dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I had to Stop for this
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.