The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that