PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Just a friendly reminder!
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!