Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
This is the coolest video you will see today.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
The funk soul brother
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
how it started vs how it ended