I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
me: it doesn鈥檛 have a tail so i鈥檓 pretty sure it鈥檚 a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
God: you鈥檙e a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you鈥檙e like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you鈥檙e H2OhNo lol.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I changed my mind..馃悤馃惥馃崻馃槄
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
This is why I don鈥檛 delete Facebook
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I saw a woman claiming she鈥檚 pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no