a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
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The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
🤣🤣
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.