ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
You Might Also Like
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor